Hollis-Amtrack to BART, approx. 5:48pm - Cuts Like a Knife

Cuts Like a Knife: There is a knife sitting on one of the seats in the back. It's a butter knife. Two people felt the need to warn the driver about the butter knife. One person went to grat lengths to describe the butter knife to whomever is on the other end of the phone conversation. This is not how we imagined the Al Qaeda Summer Spectacular.

O Editor! My Editor!: Dude is reading manuscripts, writing editing notes, and will eventually be editing so he can now "bill [himself] as an editor." Also, someone pulled a knife out of a shoe and threatened him for being gay. Now, that's a knife Summer Spectacular.

Powell to Emeryville, approx. 10:30 am - O Captain! My Captain!

O Captain! My Captain!: Currently, there is a driver on the Powell line who wears a shirt and tie with a captain's hat. He also gets on the PA system to announce stops and transfers. How awesome is that? Hurray to the Captain for being a consummate professional. Emery Go Round employee of the century!

Parti in the back: Total Posh, a.k.a. Victoria Beckham, clone with the same severe bob, same monochromatic wardrobe. From the back, though, you can clearly see her bad dye job. Her head is what animal breeders refer to as "parti color," (e.g., parti color Cocker Spaniel) with ash blonde, red, and blond patches. To paraphrase the Spice Girls song, "Make it last forever, bad dye jobs never end." (And that's from "Wannabe", by the way, Miss Wannabe Posh.) Plus, she has a job at the mall; probably from her all-black outfit, we'd venture to guess at Sephora. That's a little more posh than Fuddruckers, say, but still, she's no Victoria Beckham stomping around in her $900 shoes.

It's a Federal Law, assholes: If the vehicle is stopped but the rider is so old and shaky that he must hold the railing to walk to the back of the bus, then you assholes need to give up your seat up front. There are plenty of seats in the back. Get the fuck up and move. Let the old man sit by the door. What the fuck is wrong with you people? There are many lame federal laws, but yielding seats by the entrance to the elderly and the disabled is one everyone should follow. That old man should have smacked every single one of you pathetic assholes upside the head with his cane.

Hollis-Amtrak to Emeryville, approx. 10:10am - Shiloh Pitt

Shiloh Pitt: Spoonerisms aside, someone left a huuuge pile o' shit in front of the fare gates at MacArthur BART exit. Either the shitter or a poor unsuspecting commuter stepped in it and created a poo trail going up to the station. We wonder if someone had a Sunday night drinking binge and just couldn't make it to the BART bathroom or missed last BART all together, or if the shitter brazenly dropped trou during commute hours. Either way, shouldn't BART have cleaned up the pile o' shit immediately? Not only can one smell it from inside the station (sorry, fat old man in front of us in the escalator, we thought you sharted and glared at you...), the shit trail leading to the station means people are dragging shit on their shoes. Clean that shit up, literally. Sooooo not tres jolie. Not an Emery Go Round-related post, but newsworthy.

Hollis-Amtrak to Emeryville, approx. 10:36am - I Love the Smell of Hot Dog in the Morning

I Love the Smell of Hot Dog in the Morning: An apple-shaped woman gets on the shuttle with a hot dog. As soon as she sits down, a Hollis-Amtrak regular rider (old man always clad in jeans and denim jacket) gets up and mumbles something and moves to the rear of the bus. A friendly young woman tries to console the Hot Dog Lady by saying "It smells good!" Apparently, the old man was offended by the smell of encased meat and moved away. Hot Dog Lady proceeds to huff that hot dog at a rapid pace like she's been starving on a desert island. And the island she was on is definitely not Coney Island. If she were on Coney Island on July 4, she would have huffed 69 hot dogs and beat that Joey Chestunut. 69 because she's probably hard up for some dick as well as hot dogs.

Powell to Emeryville, approx. 9:40am - Good Morning Geology

Good Morning Geology: There is a new Emery Go Round driver who's on the Powell route who says "good morning" to everyone who comes on board. It's nice. He also puts three geodes on the floor between the driver's seat and the entrance to the shuttle. It is yet undetermined whether the geodes are there for ornamental or New Age spiritual purposes. Could his pleasant demeanor be the result of geode power?

Hey There Tranny Girl: Biological girls who dress and do their make-up like trannies are the worst. Camille Paglia would probably have something to say about this.

Hollis-Amtrak to Emeryville, approx. 9:30am - Claustrophobia

Claustrophobia: If you are what can be described, let's say, as "big boned," and there are many empty seats on the shuttle, why do you have to sit next to someone? And by "next to" we mean, halfway on top of us due to your big-bonedness. It's a hot day, and it is not enjoyable at all to have your pudgy, clammy cookie-dough flesh pour around us as it tries to find space. Shivers!!

Hollis-Amtrak to Emeryville, approx. 9:45am - Laughter Isn't Best Medicine

Laughter Isn't Best Medicine: An old man with a cane takes a loooong time to get on the bus due to mobility issues. The driver chuckles at him. He says it's hard for him to get around. The driver says "Oh, it's fine." and continues chuckling. Um, ok, since when is it OK to laugh at old people who can't get around? Her friend who is hanging out or whatever in the seat closest to the door doesn't give a shit and sits there yapping away instead of offering the old man the seat. The driver for the Watergate shuttle talks to the Hollis driver from outside the door while smoking; they talk about "Art" getting suspended for a day or two. The old man fans at the cigarette smoke with his newspaper and makes a choking gesture. The Watergate driver walks away mid-conversation.

Stop Smoking, Bitches: Seriously, you people need to stop smoking right next to people at the shuttle stop. We don't want to inhale your carcinogens and we don't want to smell like an ashtray. How much of an inconsiderate asshole do you have to be to sit right next to someone and light up? What, you're from the 1950s? If you need to smoke, that's fine but step away from everyone else. We hate you anyway.

Hollis-Amtrak to BART, approx. 5:24 pm - Pop!

Pop: "My knee keeps popping. IT'S POPPING. POPPING!!! It's doing it right now! If it's permanent, I'm gonna have to go get padding or something."

Etiquette for a crowded bus: Surprisingly, many of you need to be told the following points. If you have a big bag or backpack, make sure you're not hitting people's heads as you walk down the aisle; it's close quarters and most people don't complain about it, but it's still rude. If you insist on reading the paper on a packed bus, fold it and don't spread it out into someone else's face. If you step on someone's foot, say "Excuse me." Move all the way to the back of the bus unless you're too short to hold on to the ceiling bars. Don't put your bag on an empty seat and offer your seat to old people, disabled people, and pregnant women.

Hollis-Amtrak to Emeryville, approx. 10:23am - Sex and the City

Sex and the City, dude style: One guy asks his two friends what they're doing tonight, then goes into a story about sending his girlfriend flowers yesterday. When he got home from work, she called to thank him. He reenacts the call in a falsetto: "Oh my gawd, you got me folwerrrrs!!!" The other guys seem to be congratulatory about a Valentine's Day well done; they don't talk about their plans, though. Later, one of the guys mentions his shoes are falling apart. "Vans used to be good. Not anymore...they fall apart." The Valentine's guy suggests, "Walmart, man. It's so cheap, good for 6 months, it's good." The other friend chimes in, "Payless!" Is it finally cool for guys to gush about romance and shoe shopping now?

Hollis-Amtrak to Emeryville, approx. 10:33am - Twins

Twins: Two guys get on the shuttle at the same time. Similar navy-and-white sneakers, jeans, grey hoodie, and even an identical hair-loss pattern.

Hollis-Amtrak to BART, approx. 5:48pm - Unhappy Feet

Unhappy Feet: A woman is wearing flip flops. Let us remind you, it's February and it's a rainy day. To emphasize, it's February in the northern hemisphere, not the southern hemisphere. She has a big fuzzy coat, but flip flops on her feet. She complains: "I got up at 7:15 to get there on time. On Wednesday, I got there on time and he was late. He's a director. He should be organized!" Does that bitterness keep her feet warm in the winter rain?

Hollis-Amtrak to Emeryville, approx. 10:36am - "Sienna" and "Diddy"

"Sienna" and "Diddy": A few days back, there was a girl smoking a cig at the MacArthur BART stop, covering everyone with the stink. It seemed she was going for the Sienna Miller look. Today, she tries to channel Sienna Miller by bringing a Diddy stand-in. She's on the phone telling the caller, "I have company. I HAVE COMPANY. I HAVE COM-PA-NEEEE." She's eager to get off the phone as not to be rude to her man, but they said almost nothing to each other through their ride on the shuttle.

Hollis-Amtrak to Emeryville, approx. 10:51am - Milk & Cookies

Milk and Cookies?: Shoved into the console by the driver's seat is a baby carton of milk and a small paper sack, too small to be a grown man's lunch. It's the driver's mid-morning snack.

Dirty Bomb: A girl with a ponytail consisting of multicolored dreadlocks keeps shoving her thumb and forefinger into her nostrils to pinch and vigorously wiggle her septum. She also coughs a lot without covering her mouth. Usually, we'd use the phrase "with . . . dreadlocks" as a non-judgemental identifier, but in this case, we're not.

Hollis-Amtrak to Emeryville, approx. 11:05am - Grounded

Grounded?: A young girl on her phone, "But that's what MySpace is for!" Most of the conversation is at low volume, but she raises her voice to say, "But I've been working my ass off!" and snaps her phone shut after a few moments of the person on the other end talking. No "bye," no "talk to you later." After the phone conversation, she sends a few text messages. Whatever responses she receives makes her smirk furtively. It's curious why a teen girl would be on the Hollis-Amtrak shuttle (instead of the ones that go to the mall) in the middle of the day.

Hollis-Amtrak to Emeryville, approx. 11:01am - Forgetful

City of Emeryville is forgetful: City Hall still has the flag at half staff. Did someone other than Gerald Ford die recently that would require the flag to fly half staff? The Flag Code says that unless a flag is illuminated, it should be taken down at night. Is someone putting it up at half staff every morning or do they just leave it up all night? In related news, Pixar's flag is not at half staff. Let's give them a good citizen merit badge for observing the 30-day rule.

Hollis-Amtrak to BART, approx. 5:43pm - Don't Go Hungry

Don't go hungry: A young lady walks up to the bus stop with two grocery bags. She tells a guy who's already there that she planned to ride her bike home but she "went crazy at Berkeley Bowl." She needed chicken broth and other stuff. He asks if she "went hungry." She's confused for a sec, and he explains that if you go shopping hungry, you end up buying a lot. Later, she says she's usually at the seafood counter--is that a craigslist casual encounters code or something?

Emery Go Fug: A woman gets on the shuttle at the Pixar stop. She's wearing a very short denim skirt, and thigh-high leg warmers made of heathered dark gray wool that look obviously hand-knit. Did she visit grandma over Christmas in her short, short skirt and did grandma say, "Let me knit you a leg cozy since you like to wear slutty skirts"?! Seriously, they're the ugliest things ever: not even Kate Moss on her best fashion day can rock that hideous thing.

Hollis-Amtrak to Emeryville, approx. 10:20am - Pixar, Forgetful or Bummed

Pixar, forgetful or bummed about Gerald Ford: The flag on Pixar grounds is still at half staff. It's been exactly a month since Ford died. If the flag is still at half staff on Monday, they forgot about it. If it's not, then they know their Flag Code.

Hollis-Amtrak to Emeryville, approx. 10:48am - Gimme the Night

Gimme the Night: Around Pixar, George Benson's "Give Me the Night" comes on the radio and the driver's mood is lifted instantly. A woman in chef's whites is spray painting a tree branch white. He yells out at her, "Are ya getting ready for Christmas? Kinda early, innit?" and she smiles and waves. He also honks and waves at the UPS guy. It's like a Diet Coke commercial.

Face it, you're old: Is there a word for someone who looks/dresses young if you look at him/her from behind or neck down, but when you see the face, the person is old? A semi-hip woman wearing a vintage-ish green coat with a fur collar, short skirt, brown suede knee-high boots, and overstuffed red purse looked like she could be late 20s-30s from behind and neck down. Her face was like if Dita Von Teese's face melted: old and haggy with too much makeup in an attempt to disguise the hagginess. Or maybe she just needs a higher wattage light bulb in her bathroom so she can see exactly how much she's laying it on. Yikes.

Hollis-Amtrak to BART, approx. 5:45pm - Return of PPB

Return of the Ponytail Pretty Boy: Talking at (definitely not "to") another National Holistic Institute classmate. He's stressed out, wants to "go to jujitsu, go snowboarding, cook the salmon in the freezer." Boy, does this guy like to hear the sound of his voice, specifically the sound of his voice talking about jujitsu. There are awkward silences in the conversation. He asks a guy what time it is, then laments he will not be able to make it to the 6pm jujitsu class. Then, he says he would have asked if his female classmate would want to get a beer with him because he's not going to jujitsu but maybe some other night. He asks her if they're going to get lunch tomorrow. She says yes, with hesitation. Dude, she's not that into you. Maybe she'll be more receptive if she's put in a jujitsu half-nelson choke-hold. Also, unnatural jujitsu enthusiasm + NHI = Asian girl fetish? The girl was Asian.

MacArthur BART stop, approx. 10:53am - Business Up Top

Business up top, party on bottom: A Katie Holmes-ish (pre-brainwash, btw) young lady in a crisp, white shirt and a dark overcoat with too-sexy-to-be-businesslike fishnet stockings. #1 on her to do list for 1/24/2007 is: "Price out Martin's loan."

Not quite 20 questions: Every time the Hollis-Amtrak shuttle parks for a few minutes at MacArthur, at least two people come asking if it's the one that goes to the mall or to Powell Street. EGR needs to put up better signage for riders before the drivers go insane answering the same questions. It's driving us insane.